Unity iOS Build to Xcode - What Next?

Hey CommUnity!

I have fully developed a mobile game that is ready to be delivered to the Android/App stores. It is currently in Beta testing on the Android market and is awaiting publication. That was no problem. In fact, I found the Google services to be very easy as someone like me with no prior knowledge of game delivery was able to get it uploaded.

My problem lies with getting it on the App store for Apple. Is this some sort of joke? Excuse my ignorance, but I have no idea how anyone is able to upload an app to the app store given how under documented and unorganized the process is. I have delved into every single document, online forum, youtube video, user's manual and website that I have the time and ability to within the past week, and I have not made nearly any progress. Does this process require hiring a licensed professional? At this point, I am not entirely opposed to that, although since this is a free app I'd prefer to do it myself.

I have developed the game and it is optimized for the best mobile performance. I built the game for iOS in Unity Free, and it delivers an Xcode project, which seems to be expected. Now is where things become complex. I so far have: registered and paid the yearly fee to become an app developer/distributor, requested an iOS developer/distributor certificate/license, received the license (or three, I'm not sure what is what), received downloaded files to verify or register these licenses, received information that I need to input into my keychain access, received information that I need to edit my game's PList with, received direction to compile the Xcode project into a playable signed (whatever this means?) game.app format that I can upload to iTunes connect, received direction to, instead, compress my xcode project and upload it to the App Loader which won't sign it for me, and the list goes on.

I've done my best to search through any document , tutorial and video that could be of help in this process, but there is no consistent documentation. If there is consistent information, it pertains to outdated software. I am looking for a straightforward step-process guide. Complexity is not a problem - I will be able to read, understand and learn what I need to. Convolution is a problem - right now I feel like I have run in circles back to square one. I've noticed that in order to obtain an iOS developer (or distributor license, I can't tell which) I need to register an iOS device with a UDID number. I do not have an iOS device. Is there a way to surpass this? It is to my understanding that I need both the dev and dist licenses to properly sign a game, although I'm not sure how to obtain both and I'm not sure how to sign it.

I am using: -Unity 4 Indue -Samsung Galaxy S3 with remote for debugging -Macbook Pro

Any help you guys are able to contribute will be greatly appreciated. I have been involved in the Unity forums for a few years now, and you guys have never ceased to amaze me. I appreciate that very much. I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say!